Ok, a lot of shit has happened. And this topic deserves a new post. Stay all the way tuned. It’s good news.
I am happy to write that since August I have done a lot of soul searching and more trial and error and finally come to a really good place. Spiritually, mentally and emotionally I am nearly (if not) centered at this moment.
Right after this post went live, I launched into job application mode. I applied for dozens and dozens of jobs in my field. Funny thing is, I didn’t get a single interview offer – it was a new feeling. I knew deep down if happiness is what I want (on top of all of my other goals) the solution was NOT to get stuck in a job.
I had no choice but to go back to the drawing board and figured out how to reinvigorate Crossfade Media and turn it into a money-making machine that required purposeful work that doesn’t directly involve my art. I am excited because I figured it out.
Crossfade is now primarily a Social Media & Internet Marketing Agency, that also does production and design. I now get to spend my days helping small-medium business owners reach their goals and make their dreams come true by using social media marketing strategies.
I started an advance certification program with one of the best social media influencers in the world. This is just to add to my current knowledge base, so I am fortunate enough to be able to get started as I finish the program. My photography and other art works will be curated and dealt with through this blog. I continue to pick up photo and video gigs as they interest me, which is good too.
I’m in a good place. 🙂
Happy birthday to me.
Or so it should have been. On or around June 5, 2017 I was supposed to be in Miami Beach or Dubai as I had imagined when thinking about what I should do for my 25th birthday. Instead, I brought in the day alone with a few glasses of New Amsterdam Gin (yes, a few glasses – don’t judge) and spent most of the day in a very introspective state at HQ for Crossfade. While I was filled with gratitude for my life and the digital love shown by many, I had a feeling in my gut that I can compare to what it might feel like to swallow a dumbbell. I just felt heavy and there was a creeping cloud of melancholia looming.
Inside, I knew I had to face whatever was causing that feeling, but initially I didn’t do it. That self-neglect caught up with me weeks later and I finally reached a breaking point. The onset of depression was real. I was losing motivation, my to-do list stopped shrinking, I was cancelling appointments, ignoring phone calls and barely leaving the house. The level of despondency scared the hell out of me, so I decided to confront the issue(s). I knew I would have to ask myself the tough questions.
I was collectively displeased with each core area of living, those being my social, professional and personal life. For the sake of this post, I will focus solely on my professional life.
Let’s take it back to November 2015, when I organized Crossfade Media – my very own multimedia production company. As I developed the company and started to build my clientele, I began working as a Marketing & Operations Manager in the event production industry. I thought this job would be a good way to make connections and learn more about business. It didn’t take long for the people I was working for to learn about all of my abilities in production. Needless to say, they tried to capitalize on them. The job had become very demanding and obliterated any type of work-life balance I had. Since Crossfade was already birthed, I had other ideas.
Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to impress. Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt.
Everything but nothing to prove.
Things at that job became unrealistically cumbersome, so I quit. I would now be fully devoted to growing Crossfade. I had become fueled by the idea of ‘showing them.’ Not too long after that, there was an incident in my family that resulted in harsh words aimed at me by another family member. Where there was fuel, there is now fire. I wanted to take my professional strides and shove them up the asses of a special few. But is that a reason to do business? It wouldn’t take me very long to find out.
Fast forward to Spring 2017. I have established myself as a reputable source for photography, video, graphic and web design in the local DC metropolitan area. I have clients in government, the private sector, education, and television. The contemptuous words of my haters echoed in my head, so I decided to kick it up a notch and find a home for the business and I did.
I was excited to be renting a corner office space in the VPS Media Center. I had hopes that this place would be my creative asylum, but things picked up once I had a physical address for the business. All of a sudden I had a project queue full of website designs, logos, shoots and event after event. These are the things I love to do, so it was fine…until it wasn’t.
I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing toward being a champion.
— Billie Jean King
There is a difference between being an artist or a creative person that produces works as a means of expression and an artist that produces works as a means of living. Dealing with different clients and being in the position where I had to complete these projects if I wanted to make rent or eat started to suck the love out of the act of creating as if it were an actual Bissell machine. This was a major contributing factor to the series of events outlined at the beginning of this post that took place after June 5th, 2017 (I knew I could bring this thing back around). All I knew is that I was no longer happy doing this work as a “business,” but this journey was so well documented online that my ego made me feel like there was no turning back.
Death to the ego.
Q: Is keeping up appearances with the people worth your passion?
On July 17, 2017 I moved my things out of the corner office and as of today, I have completed everything in my project queue and will be very selective about the business projects I take on moving forward. I am grateful to have the option to make money with my art. I will channel my creative energy into producing things that I am compelled to create and share with the world. I have freed myself of giving a fuck about what anybody else thinks about what I’m doing. If I really am Commander Crux, I have the authority of my life.
This experience has shown me if nothing else, I can do absolutely anything I put my mind to. However, I am of the opinion that the things I spend most of my time and money doing must be done for the right reasons. This decision has lifted a weight off of my shoulders and writing this has made me feel a lot better. I haven’t fully figured out exactly where I am going from here and I do know I will grow Crossfade Media into the empire I truly want. I am just glad I don’t have to lay my passion to rest to do it.